laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
