I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
