The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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