Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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