You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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