Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
