Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
