Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This toilet bowl is my home.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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