Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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