Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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