We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
