My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
