My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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