I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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