There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
