Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
