I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
