why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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