so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
