Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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