Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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