My first STD was from a foam party
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
