I wish I could teleport
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no you cant smoke seaweed
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
