Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
