Your dad touched me again.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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