I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
