evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh god it's open bar.
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