You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
