Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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