I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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