You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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