He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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