I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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