I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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