I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
