There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
