I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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