hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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