i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
