If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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