you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
