You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
