He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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