don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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