LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
