Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
