i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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