I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
