mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you will always have a special place in my vag
where are you?
Hypothermia
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
