I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
