I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
