The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
