Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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