imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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