I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
