dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
