Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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