If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
